NSFOCUS旧友记bluerust与ga1ois近况

在某个小众群体里，众所周知，非正常人类研究中心前被研究对象们，脑子都不太正常。今天给各位兄弟姐妹展示一下bluerust、ga1ois最近的动态。

bluerust，那个从来没有指望过邂逅丁香一样打着油纸伞的姑娘的家伙。

ga1ois，来自西域北庭都护府的竹野内丰。

两件事。一是bluerust最近向我汇报了他在北美大农场里的生活，他吃饱饭没事做，给我用全英文汇报。我当然不惯着他，直接用微信全文翻译了。二是ga1ois和他的同事在某个俗称某某黑客大会的场合里合法赚取了五万刀。当我看到ga1ois的战果后，心中与有荣蔫。虽然这事与我毫无关系，但非正常人类研究中心被研究对象除了脑子不大正常，还有一个特点，不大要脸，我就是硬沾。

下面是bluerust的北美农场工作汇报。

So after buying our first house, my wife and I decided to take care of all the trees and flowers in our backyard. You know, go full nature-loving, tree-hugging homeowners.

First year, we're all in. Watering, fertilizing, talking to them like they're family. And then the peach tree starts growing these tiny little fruits. We're excited, like proud new parents.

But we didn't wait for them to ripen. Oh no. We ripped those peaches off when they were still tiny. Why? Because one tasted like battery acid and we thought, "Let's save the tree's energy. She doesn't need to waste it making fruit we don't even like."

We thought we were helping, like tree nutritionists. "Hey girl, no carbs, no sugar, we're gonna keep you lean and strong!"

Next spring? The tree was dead. Just straight-up, zero-pulse, ghost-mode dead.

We called an arborist. He looks at it, nods, and goes, "Yeah, she's gone. Sometimes trees just…don't vibe with their people." What is that supposed to mean? Trees have social anxiety now?

He goes, "Your tree was old. Sometimes even a little stress can push them over the edge."

And I'm standing there thinking…"Wait, did we accidentally give our peach tree a mental breakdown?" Like we pulled off all her kids and she just gave up on life.

I swear, if she could talk, she would've said: "We plants don't play dead. We just die. No drama. No warning. Just boom dead."

So I learned a lesson: nature does NOT appreciate human intervention.

Next year, I told my wife, "Back away from the apple tree. No touching. No whispering. Don't even look at it."

We let it grow wild. Didn't prune it, didn't harvest. We treated that tree like a cranky cat, just gave it space.

And guess what? Half the apple tree still died.

I'm like, "What the hell, man?! I didn't even breathe on you! What do you want from me, emotional support mulch?!"

That night, I had a nightmare. The trees were in a line, like soldiers. Guns to their heads. Looking at me. Tearfully. Whispering something I couldn't quite understand…

Then BAM! The peach tree pulls the trigger. The apple tree follows, blows off half its face. And in the back, the lemon tree's like, "Hold my branch."

I woke up in a cold sweat. And now I just water the lawn and whisper, "I'm sorry."

所以在买了第一栋房子后，我和妻子决定照顾后院的所有树木和花卉。你知道的，完全热爱大自然、拥抱树木的房主。

第一年，我们都加入了。给它们浇水，施肥，像家人一样和它们说话。然后桃树开始长出这些小果实。我们像骄傲的新父母一样兴奋。

但我们没有等到它们成熟。哦不，那些桃子还很小的时候，我们就把它们摘下来了。为啥？因为其中一种尝起来像电池酸，我们想，“让我们拯救这棵树的能量，她不需要浪费时间去生成我们都不喜欢的水果。”

我们以为自己是乐于助人的树木营养学家。“嘿，姑娘，不含碳水化合物，不含糖，我们要让你保持苗条强壮！”

明年春天？树死了。直接启动，零脉冲，幽灵模式死亡。

我们打电话给了一个树木学家。他看了看，点点头，然后走了，“是的，她走了。有时候树木就是…不愿意和树人打成一片。”这是什么意思？树木现在有社交焦虑症吗？

他走了，“你的树很老了，有时，即使是一点点压力也能让她们崩溃。”

我站在那里想…“等等，我们是不小心让桃树精神崩溃了？”就像我们夺走了她所有的孩子，然后她就放弃了生活。

我发誓，如果她会说话，她会说：“我们植物不玩死亡游戏，我们会直接死去。没有戏剧性，没有警告，直接挂掉。”

所以我学到了一课，大自然不喜欢人类的干预。

第二年，我告诉妻子，“离苹果树远点，不许碰她，不要窃窃私语，别看她。”

我们任由它野蛮生长，没有修剪，没有采摘。我们把那棵树当成一只脾气暴躁的猫，只是给了它空间。

你猜怎么着？一半的苹果树还是死了。

我当时想，“搞什么鬼，姐妹！我甚至没有在你身边呼吸！你想从我这里得到什么，情感支持吗？”

那天晚上，我做了个噩梦。树木排成一行，像士兵一样。枪对着她们的头，看着我，泪流满面，低语着一些我不太明白的话…

然后，砰！桃树扣动了扳机。苹果树也跟着吹掉了一半的脸。在后面，柠檬树像在说，“抓住我的树枝。”

我一身冷汗醒来。现在我只是给草坪浇水，然后低声说：“对不起。”

ga1ois的故事比bluerust正常得多。不过，从某种意义上，也不是那么正常。我很喜欢截图里的这句话，“这不是魔术，这是汗水，时间和技艺，可能还有一点运气。”